Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, we're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast, and I'm your
dungeon master Russ More, and with me today is Tom Laird.
Hey, that's me, I'm OpSecond.
And Carla Johnson.
That's me.
Do I get to say who I'm playing is a secret?
It's a secret.
Yeah, sure.
You didn't say it last episode.
Secret.
And Amy More.
Secret.
Good.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, we're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast,
Welcome to the new year, and, and our second year anniversary, which I just kind of forgot
about.
I didn't get you guys anything.
It's technically tomorrow, but I mean, that's close enough.
That's real close.
That's very close.
No?
Yeah, no, it's definitely a wonderful life.
Why'd you just freeze after you said that?
I don't know.
I was looking for something to add on to it, but it didn't happen.
It just wasn't there.
Wow.
Every time the bell rings, Grancis gets his wings.
That is the saying.
Yep.
Well, you know, thanks for hanging out for the last two years, you guys.
Three, technically, just not recorded.
More than two.
I thought you were thanking the listeners, and I was like, oh, that's nice.
No, just you guys.
Thanks for showing up.
But also the listeners who have been hanging out with us for two years.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Or a portion depending on when you started listening.
Yeah, if you've been with us since the beginning.
That's crazy, right?
It blows my mind every time I think about it.
Crazy in the best way.
You look hard in the mirror.
So nuts.
At how wonderful you are.
Just drag that podcast icon over to the trash bin and start this new year off right.
No.
Don't do that.
Tom's going to get voted off the podcast right now.
No, I was just kidding.
But you told people to delete us, and now I don't know where to go with this.
Oh, I was clearly kidding.
If you didn't delete us, we thank you.
But also dedicate this episode to a lovely patron, Kyle McSherry.
Thanks, Kyle.
Hey, Kyle.
Thank you.
You're so great.
Kyle, you rock.
Kyle, could you McSherry us with all your friends?
Yeah, do that.
Do that.
But something else that the patrons have been getting is the Discord that we have going on.
The Discord server that we're, as of today, because I'm talking about it right now, opening to the public.
Ooh.
So they've been helping us, you know, flesh out some of the categories, figure out what's working, what's not working, which they've been doing a very great job of.
The food category is hopping.
There's a food category that is literally hopping.
I don't know if it's literally hopping.
It's hopping.
I've forgotten what literally means.
We've all forgotten collectively as a society, so it's fine.
It means nothing and everything.
It's incredible.
It's an amazing word.
But if you join us on our Discord server, as just a lovely listener of Dumbgeons and Dragons, you get access to a whole bunch of things that we normally talk about, like food and memes and Austin Powers.
And Austin Powers memes.
A funny fact, if you search Austin Powers D&D meme, we come up like seventh row down.
Yeah, getting that SEO fully optimized.
So if and when Austin Powers 4 actually happens, clearly we need to take some credit for it somehow.
Obviously.
If I could just meet Mike Myers.
I think so.
We're starting a real grassroots push for the new movie.
I feel like we need to start a secondary podcast a la the McElroys, how they were for sure going to be in the Trolls movie.
Yeah, in Trolls 2.
And it worked.
100% it worked.
So we're going to take a little page out of their book, I think, and we're going to be in Austin Powers 4.
Let's manifest it.
Let's do it.
Manifest destiny.
Manifest the shit out of this.
Alright.
Yeah, come on.
We can do it.
He's Canadian.
Mike Myers is Canadian.
We probably all know someone who knows him.
Probably.
It's a pretty small country.
The seven degrees of separation.
But just not with Canada.
It's only like three degrees in Canada.
It's real good.
In Canada it's like three degrees.
Population's much smaller.
But I mean, if we're talking about Fahrenheit versus Celsius, what kind of degrees are we talking about?
Oh, well then you've lost me.
The conversion doesn't work for me.
Plus 32, so it's 35 degrees of Mike Myers.
Excellent.
Yeah.
Is that what it is?
That's officially what it is?
I don't know.
No, I don't think that's right.
Double it and add 30 to get Fahrenheit.
What?
Yeah.
So it's less in Canada.
That's why it would be free instead of seven.
The math checks out.
Double it and add 30?
Yeah, because zero is 32.
Yeah.
To convert.
So if it's 15 here, that's 60 in America.
Yeah.
What if it's minus 40 here?
Minus 40.
Oh, snap.
Yeah.
We need to talk about something else.
Anyway, this is our podcast within a podcast, Weather Talk.
Very relevant to everyone listening.
Join that Discord.
Come say hi.
We're having a blast over there.
Yeah, join the Discord.
It's fun.
And it's very interactive.
And we're still small enough to be like not too cool to literally be on there every
day talking to people.
It's really the majority of my social interactions.
Right?
Yeah.
Well, you know, like the bigger podcasts have like social media people.
Oh, yeah.
Like, right?
Like, are the McElroys on there all the time just like talking about cake?
I don't know, because I'm too busy being on our Discord talking about cake.
Okay, fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
In the new year, 2019, second year anniversary, Discord, all the things.
All the things.
Here we go.
Doing something different again today.
I don't know if you noticed, but we did something different last week.
Barely noticed.
Something about dinosaurs.
Turned out pretty fun.
A whole lot of hijinks.
And this week, we join our good friend, Grancis, again.
Grancis again.
If he'd had another child, that's probably what he would have been.
He was only able to name his daughter that because his wife died.
Like, there's like no way she would have found that name.
You know she would have shot that name down 100 percent.
Yeah.
She'd be like, I already beat her.
We still haven't been able to do that.
Yeah.
I mean, it's a good thing.
It's a good thing.
There's like no way she would have shot that name down 100 percent.
Yeah.
She'd be like, I already beat her.
We still haven't forgiven Grancis, obviously, for his very selfish and weird naming of
his daughter.
Thank you, Patreon.
For that name, really appreciate it.
We do because it's led to all of these jokes, and that's all that matters are
the jokes.
Yeah.
I know, I love it.
So we pick up with our good friend Grancis.
Post-death, he has just passed away aboard the airship.
Saving you all, you're all sorry asses.
That's how you say that, yep.
We appreciated it.
I know we're talking some shit about him now,
but it was sad when he died.
Mostly.
So we've just had the fireside reflection
and he's poofed out of existence from Flint,
Thea, and New Laura,
so we see them going to sleep.
As they do.
Weird, don't watch us while we're sleeping.
And Grancis is kind of in an in-between spot
and he's like, oh fuck, well,
guess I can't say goodbye right now.
Say goodbye later.
And he kind of just wanders off.
It's kind of lonely being dead.
Oh, I wonder if there's anybody out here.
Hello?
Who's there?
What's that?
Somebody?
Anybody?
Great.
Echoes are weird in the afterlife.
It's going on too long.
It kind of gave me a weird feeling of existential dread
when Grancis said it's really lonely in the afterlife
or whatever he said,
and now I can't stop laughing
because I'm fearing my own mortality.
Yeah, that's a terrifying statement.
That's a fun way to start the year.
Happy New Year, everybody dies.
Nobody dies but you.
Oh my God.
Oh boy.
Oh my God, stop it.
Carl, you're gonna make Carla cry.
Don't make Carla cry.
It's 2019.
Leave her alone.
Oh goodness.
Just wait for our good night song
coming up at the end of the podcast.
Please no, please no more good night songs.
Join us on Patreon for all the good night songs.
Yeah, so many good night songs.
But he does hear somebody off in the distance.
And as he goes up to investigate,
he sees three figures, three ghostly figures.
Hey, hey, hey, can you hear me?
Of course.
Yes.
Can you hear me?
Yeah, I mean, I just heard someone
yelling hello back there.
Was that you guys?
Yeah, I was messing with you.
Wasn't that you?
Yeah, well, I was trying to see
if anybody was around and I thought I heard something
and then somebody started laughing hysterically.
I thought it might've just been my friends
who were still alive, you know.
So who are you?
Oh, I'm Fima.
I am Victor.
Yefaris.
I think I said like a swear word.
Stop.
You totally said it like you were calling him something.
Yefaris.
Yefaris?
Yefaris.
Yebasic.
Now, if you were to describe yourselves,
how would you look to the listeners?
So I'm a tiefling.
So I'm like medium humanoid, regular person height.
I'm guessing maybe like a little,
I'm like, I think I'm shorter.
I think I'm about the size I am right now.
I'm a tiny five, one person.
But then my horns are good, like foot and a half.
I have this like deep,
I would say like a deep plum colored skin,
like dark and rich and beautiful.
And I have jet black hair with a silver streak
along the side here, not in the very front,
not rogue, along the temple side.
I'm dressed in your general warlock clothing.
Dressed for adventure because I believe I died in adventure.
Cool.
Yeah.
How about Vima?
Vima is a half elf.
And what I am picturing,
because I'm pretty sure he was a half elf,
is like an androgynous David Bowie late seventies
kind of look.
Amazing.
You know, real tall and thin.
And like, basically, as I'm saying this,
David Bowie was a half elf, right?
100% sure.
He's not fully human.
He totally was.
I think Labyrinth was just him coming out as a half elf,
but nobody took it seriously enough.
They were like, oh yeah, man, yeah.
All right.
He's like, I'm gonna call myself a goblin king,
but like for real, I'm a half elf.
Yeah.
Make the connection.
So that's kind of my look.
Cool.
But more like flowy kind of robes, I think, you know,
more like Lord of the Rings, elfy kind of,
and sort of like, actually,
it's all happening on the fly.
It's good.
I am dressed, I look like David Bowie,
but I'm dressed like Stevie Nicks.
So like long and flowy and like things move.
Beautiful.
Love it.
Victor.
All right.
Victor is a halfling monk.
So the flowy robe thing continues on with Victor.
A very neutral color palette in the robes.
Kind of a light brown, kind of a khaki color,
if you will.
And Victor is sporting some like
mid back length silver hair that's in one long braid.
As soon as you started describing
the colors of your stuff,
I realized that I had pictured
this whole afterlife scene
in like just a hue of light blue.
Like nothing had color.
Like a sepia tone, but in a blue variety?
Yeah.
And I thought that was very interesting.
I wonder what that says about me.
Do you have some inside knowledge about the afterlife
you'd care to share with the rest of us, Amy?
Nothing had edges, man.
There were no edges.
Okay.
Well, that works well for flowy robes.
So what are you guys doing here in the misty forest?
I mean, I just crashed an airship.
I didn't crash it.
There was a dragon that crashed it.
And then I summoned the powers of that bee
and saved all my friends.
Yeah, none of that matters.
Valiant effort.
Yeah.
My friend, we are no longer in the misty forest.
What?
But, oh, where are we?
Not the misty forest.
The not misty forest.
So like the clearest day forest?
I'm afraid if you're here,
you did not survive your crash.
Oh yeah, no, I know I'm dead.
Okay.
This can be very awkward sometimes, so.
And you think the afterlife is the misty forest?
But I can, oh, okay.
Well, we are there, but not there.
Okay, I think that's what I meant
is that that's where I was last and tree.
Okay.
We will not always never be in the misty forest.
Oh, fuck.
You're forest, right?
Sounds like a swear.
I'm just gonna start calling you
with a little hint of anger in my voice, your forest.
Don't speak to your forest like that.
See, Victor gets it.
You like your misunderstanding.
How are you feeling so recently, deceased?
Later than air.
Little, like I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Your afterlife?
Yeah, yeah.
What do we do?
Is there like a light?
Gotta work on some of the language.
Sure.
It's an adjustment.
We really like to live in the moment.
Oh, yeah, cause we're around like a time limit.
Like we got so much.
Funny you should mention that.
There seems to be a bit of a disease
that's affecting the afterlife right now.
But we're dead already.
How does the disease affect dead people, things?
That is a very good question.
So sounds like a job for the ghost disease busters.
Are you trying to team up right now?
Is that what we're calling our group?
I came from a team up situation
where they were like, we're gonna put together a team.
And now I'm without a team.
So you guys look like a fine bunch of teammates.
Should we call ourselves the teamsters?
No?
I mean, we have been working towards helping
Vima find a cure for her affliction.
Oh, she's sick.
How do you know she's sick?
He?
Is Vima a man?
He, he's sick.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realize.
Oh, I assumed Vima was.
Yeah, I thought.
Am I a man?
Oh, you can be.
Oh, I said androgynous.
I don't know.
It could be either.
You kept saying him, so I didn't know.
Made these people.
I thought I said she.
I don't know, you.
Who cares, right?
Who cares?
It's the afterlife.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter here.
How does that work?
I don't even know.
Oh, it works.
Yes, I'm, I'm, I'm ill.
And my friends here were trying to help me
find it, find a cure to this disease
that is affecting not only me,
but many people here in the afterlife.
Right.
Okay.
That sounds like fun.
Well, it's not fun.
I mean, the disease part isn't great.
I feel like you're misunderstanding a lot of things.
I mean, that's kind of my,
that's kind of my modus operandi.
Oh no.
Think about it like this.
If you die on earth,
there's a place you go,
and that's here in the afterlife.
Okay.
I thought there'd be more like grapes.
No more, no more interrupt.
The afterlife is supposed to be the end point.
There is no after, after life.
Do you see what I'm saying?
The, yeah, they mean to be post after.
No, if people are dying in the afterlife, they're gone.
They, their essence ceases to be,
and they do not continue onward.
And this is what we're trying to fix.
This has been afflicting everybody.
Everybody.
Oh, that's why I haven't run into,
usually is there like more, more dead people?
The afterlife is a very big place.
Oh, I guess so.
I don't see dead people.
I'm just saying, I thought I'd see,
you know, you die and then either you see the light
or you see more floaty dead people
and you are the first dead people I've seen.
I feel like you told us you just died very recently.
Yeah, it was like 20 minutes ago.
Did you think there'd be a,
Not long.
Okay, so.
Like a brigade.
It seems like it's pretty fast
that you've run into us.
I don't know how things work in the after,
after life or after post life.
Maybe time is different here.
Time is a construct is what I keep getting told.
I'd also appreciate it
if you stop calling everyone dead people.
Okay, what would you like to be referred to as?
Euphorus?
Our names work perfectly well, thank you.
Okay, I didn't run into any other dead Vima,
Euphorus or Victors.
Or people.
That's what I said.
No, just cut out the dead part.
I haven't run, you said dead again.
Good thing I didn't plan anything for this episode.
Okay.
I feel like we're.
We're just getting into the politics
and the do's and don'ts of the afterlife.
Like this is really just.
You're right, no, this is good.
This is good world building, I like it.
Okay, so people who are floaty,
floaty people who are no longer living.
Really need to describe.
Okay, so you were saying you were in a battle.
Are you a warrior?
Are you, what are your skills?
I have the ability to, well, I had,
I don't know if I still do.
I had the ability to control things with, I had magic.
It's a wizard.
Oh, so yeah, a wizard.
Yeah, that's, we know what wizards are.
I just wanted to, I don't know how long
you've been dead for, maybe there were no wizards.
Sorry, not dead, just not living.
We'll just pretend.
Yeah, we're just gonna blow right past.
Just try, please.
We, you retain your earthly skills.
Sweet. In the afterlife.
I'm just making this shit up.
Is that okay?
Fuck yeah, but. It's gotta be true.
Yeah, that seems fine, yeah.
I can assume so, otherwise,
how are we gonna battle anything?
Otherwise, Russ put all this work
into these character sheets. This is what I wrote down.
And we can't use them,
because we're dead. I didn't.
They're pre-constructed builds from wizards.
You're becoming Grants.
Yeah, or I'm gonna go to bed tonight,
I'm gonna be like, good night, honey,
and it's gonna be like, oh boy, have a good sleep.
Oh my.
Perhaps your skills may be useful.
Okay.
What do you two think?
Maybe his skills could be useful in our quest?
Well, having a wizard with us
probably would be beneficial.
I know there's quite a few dangers
on the way to where I think the cure is.
Oh, so you know where the cure is?
Is it like down the street?
Well, I said I think I know where it is.
Oh, okay.
I mean, nobody seems to like it
when you just put words in our mouths, but.
Fuck, all right, I get it.
You don't have to pussy-foot around anything
in the afterlife.
I mean, why would you?
Grants, could you give us just a moment?
Yeah, I'm just gonna go back over here
to my friends and kind of poke them
while they're sleeping.
Thank you.
Great.
Watch just like five feet away from us and just dance.
Totally.
Did he say he was gonna poke his friends
while they slept?
Yeah, I think here's what I wanted to discuss.
He could be useful.
Oh, I think so.
Wizards are very skilled.
I don't know that I have ever met
a more irritating person.
Oh boy, the frustration level
is just immediately at 100, isn't it?
I'm not the only one who thinks it.
And I mean, like frankly,
I don't give many people the benefit of the doubt,
knowing you two think they're the same.
This is why you don't give people the benefit of the doubt
because this guy rolls a lot.
Also, we don't know if he's a good wizard or not.
We should make him prove himself somehow.
Oh, maybe, yes, yes.
Let's ask him for a demonstration.
Okay.
And if he does something impressive,
we'll ask him to join us.
I know it's very selfish because I'm ill
and I'm trying to find a cure and maybe he can help.
We want to find a cure.
No, Vima, yeah, we need to figure this out.
I mean, maybe we can just ask him
to have a quietness contest or something
and get him to just be.
That used to work on my children.
You won that ultimate game, didn't you?
I really did.
I mean, no one will ever beat me, my quietness.
Grancis, Grancis.
He comes back over.
He's like, I totally just, I totally just punked Thea.
I pulled out the stump from underneath her
while she was trying to sit down.
Oh boy, it was a good one.
Oh, okay.
It seems like you are, you know, looking for some friends
and might like to come on a little adventure with us.
That sounds like a good idea.
But in the interest of, you know, just making sure,
maybe we could have a little tryout.
You could kind of show us what you can do
to see how you benefit the team.
Yeah, so you want me to do some bippity boppity boops
and do you like mashed potatoes?
Is that what you call magic?
The bippity boppity boop?
Okay, I mean.
Guys, I don't know.
How much of a bippity boppity do you want here?
You want just the boop?
The whole boop versus the bippity.
Oh boy, I am having regrets about this.
Grancis, we want it all.
We want to see if you're useful.
I want it all.
The most impressive thing you can, okay.
The most impressive thing you can do.
And I want it now.
Please.
Add it to the Spotify list.
She's literally dying again, Grancis.
Can you just speed it up a little bit?
And I'm literally a musician.
So if you could not insult my poor bardic soul.
I get it.
Hey, I had an instrument back when I was not.
Back when you were alive.
Yeah.
That's the way to say that.
She didn't know.
It was Russ catching Grancis and not saying we're dead.
Do it.
Do your bippity boppity.
Maybe you could show us your.
Sure, I can do whatever I did before.
So okay, bippity boppity boop.
And I'm gonna turn their tent into a frog.
And he does it.
What does Theus say when the tent turns into a frog?
Gee, shit, what the fuck?
And she sees Flint naked.
Oh, good Lord, man.
Put on some pants.
Yeah, you know, I thought I was in the tent.
What do you want from me here?
Pick up that frog, cover your junk with it.
What the fuck is going on?
Flint now has frog junk.
Is it a frog-sized frog or a tent-sized frog?
Oh my God.
I was picturing like a tent-sized frog.
I was picturing just like.
Oh no, it's just a frog-sized frog is what I was.
Okay, that's better.
Cause then otherwise somebody's inside the frog.
It's a whole thing.
Yes, it could get very complicated.
Okay.
That's what happened.
Grancis.
Yeah.
Cool trick.
Thank you, thank you.
I thought I was pretty impressed with myself.
Now he's got frog junk.
Just.
We are going on an interplanar journey.
Okay.
And I'm wondering how you think
that turning something into a frog might help us.
Sometimes you just need a frog buddy.
Now, are things like demons,
do they, are they susceptible to being turned into frogs?
To being turned into frog junk?
You betcha.
I think I've turned a demon into frogs before.
Anyways.
So you want something bigger.
You want, you're trying to like,
okay, you want it.
Where are you gonna go?
Well, it's pretty dangerous.
Oh, fuck.
Danger's my middle name.
So we have to make sure you're up for it.
Look, I died.
I died dangerously.
I'm up for it.
What do I gotta lose?
I'm dead.
To be honest, that shows us
that maybe you're not up for it.
Well, I mean, yeah, touche.
All right, well, got nothing there.
All right.
So I can, I can like, you know, dimension door.
I can, I can jump from planes to planes.
I can control the minds of people.
I can do this.
Yep, yep, no, just reel it in.
Reel it in there, Grants, just reel it on in.
Okay.
Those all sound.
Better than the frog tent.
Perhaps helpful.
Watch this, the fog.
Perhaps helpful.
There's fog.
Is there like a rhyming thing?
The frog, the fog.
He pulled out the log.
Is it one of those word games
where you just change one letter.
Do you remember Alf?
He's back, but in pog form?
Oh God, we should just keep him and I don't know.
I can levitate too,
but I think that's more being dead now
than actually levitating.
Yeah, we can, we can all levitate.
Well, what do you do?
Okay, so do you want to come with us?
Yeah, how long are we going?
Cause I wanted to kind of, you know,
punk my friends a little bit more,
but how long are we going?
Where are we going?
I think your friends will have to wait
while we journey.
All right, so we gotta go somewhere.
Where are we gonna go?
We need to shift planes.
Like just a little to the left,
just a little to the right.
No.
Can you shimmy all around?
No, not at all.
No, okay.
I thought the bird was gonna jump in there
with a little bit of shimmy.
I think she asked you not to.
I was just trying to engage.
Victor does that thing where he exhales
and pinches his nose
and just like takes a deep breath.
Okay, yeah, so we need to shift planes
and it's quite dangerous.
Yeah.
There are quite often demons
and other unsavory things lurking in these planes.
So you're going to some demon planes?
Good, good, we're narrowing in on it.
Yeah.
Okay.
So if you're ready,
then we'll be on our way.
Okay, am I shifting or are you shifting?
We're all going to shift together,
so we're going to link hands in a circle.
Okay, yep.
All right, say the magic words with me.
Oh, there are no magic words.
No, I'm pretty sure the plane shifted.
Just keep a clear mind
and a deep breath
and we've shifted planes.
Oh, boy.
Euphorus kinda like shakes Grancis's hand off of her
because he was doing this weird like touching her wrist thing
while they were holding hands.
Personal space Grancis.
So like where did we shift to?
This looks kinda like an abyss type situation
going on here.
It's real dark.
Yes, to get closer to our end goal,
we had to shift into a demon plane.
It's necessary to get closer.
Okay, okay, good.
So probably the abyss.
Abyss isn't a great place.
I've been here once before
and we didn't stay very long because,
well, there's a lot of demons, so.
Oh, yeah, we will not be staying a long time.
All right, all right.
We are here looking for an amulet
that we need.
Okay.
We just need to nip in real quick here.
Grab this amulet and then we're gonna just scoot right
on out of this plane.
Just like that.
Okay, yeah, we got it.
Just like that.
Yeah, perfect.
So I am going to cast a spell
to try to seek the material
that the amulet is made out of
because it is an uncommon mineral on this plane.
So we should be able to find it.
All right.
And in the distance, we see a blue glow
from this copper amulet
that is just giving off a faint glow.
So we can slightly see that.
Unfortunately, probably also means like
some baddies can see it.
All right, so is that what we need?
Yes.
That's what we need.
We must make haste towards it.
Easy peasy, let's go, here we go, all right.
And Grants starts moving forward towards the thing.
I knew we brought him for a reason.
What is everybody else doing
as he's walking towards this amulet?
We're all heading that way.
I'm also walking towards it.
Yeah, you bet.
I'm on high alert.
I'm ready with a fire bolt in my hand.
Everybody make a perception check as you walk forward.
Say 15.
12.
15.
As everybody gets within about 10 to 15 feet
of this blue amulet,
you hear a growl coming from behind you.
More of a snarling, deep guttural noise.
And the room illuminates.
And you see a giant gorilla-like demon.
And Grants' turns around, he's like, oh, boy.
Hello there, I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
Happy New Year, happy 2019.
Thank you for joining us for episode 69
of Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Grants us again.
A final quick reminder
that today is the last day over in our T-Public store
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Enter the promo code DUMDRAGON at checkout
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as this is released January 2nd.
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And the next episode will be out Wednesday,
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But that's all for now.
Have a great week.
We'll talk soon.
Oh boy.
Let's say, all right, do you guys know
that those guys were here?
We had an idea.
Yes, it is a possibility.
Another one lands on the other side.
Well, you should have told me
that the both girl are here.
Cause they're not gonna let us
take this thing very easily.
And they begin charging towards you.
Roll for initiative.
And I yell, who said it was gonna be easy?
Don't you remember when we asked you
to do useful things?
This is why.
Touche, touche.
11.
22.
19.
Well, this really feels like just a regular game.
I'm a spellcaster who can't roll for shit.
As the Barlgura charge forward,
Vima, you are up first.
Great.
I am going to
uh, cast banishing smite as a bonus action.
But then I am also going to,
shh, and how far away are they?
They are closing in about 15 to 20 feet.
I am going to attack one of them with my rapier.
Okay.
That is a 20.
20 will hit.
My weapon, crackling with force.
It's very impressive.
So, the regular plain old weapon
only gives it nine damage.
But then, I get to give it five D10 more.
25 damage.
If that reduces it below 50 HP, you let me know.
It does.
Oh, great.
Well, I just banished it then.
It moves to a different plane of existence
than the one we're on.
If it is native to the plane we're on,
which I assume it is,
it moves into a harmless demi plane.
Okay, you strike this Barlgura
as it yells out in a guttural yell
as you strike into it.
It poops out of existence.
And it doesn't come back,
it's just gone for good?
It's gone for one minute.
Okay, perfect.
Okay, so 10 rounds.
It's Victor.
All right, so Victor is going to hurry forward
and use his magical fists with a flurry of blows.
Do it.
All right, here we go.
I should have got more D20s, but here we go.
First one is an 18.
Second one is a 13.
And third one is an 11.
Only one of those will hit.
Okey-dokey.
Oh, sweet, that's 10 damage.
That makes up for whiffing on the other two.
You rush forward and connect square in the jaw
of this giant gorilla-like creature.
And it sends just this mucus and vile disgustingness
out of its mouth.
And it turns and looks at you
with a bit of a smile as you do so.
And it is Grant's sister.
And he's like, well, should I grab the thing
or should we fight these?
Do we got a place to go or we?
Okay, we're gonna fight it.
Well, are you better at fighting or running?
I can fight good.
Okay, we're gonna show you some fun
and it's not gonna rhyme with frog.
Oh, boy.
And he casts lightning bolt towards the creature,
which will miss Victor
because of the position that he is in,
but the thing must make a dexterity saving throw.
It was real dicey there for a second.
It was.
14 for its saving throw, which it does not make,
so it gets 86 lightning damage.
So that's gonna be 30 damage.
30, lightning strikes it and it begins to crackle
and sizzle its fur.
And it takes a knee as it loses its breath.
And it's.
Yeah, far as this turn.
There's only the one creature left, correct?
Yep.
So I cast Eldritch Blast on it with two beams.
19.
19 will hit.
Woo.
All right, so 2d10, eight damage.
It's its turn and he jumps up
after taking this lightning and punches
and he is going to jump up
and recklessly attack Victor.
Bring it.
That was a 17 on the one that I'm pretty sure.
Now, Russ, I have a question for you.
What does the dodge action mean?
You use a key point as a bonus action on your turn
and then until your next turn, you can.
Oh, it just says a bonus action.
It didn't say anything about my turn.
Bonus actions are on your turn.
Reactions are on other people's turns.
Okay, gotcha.
So you have to spend the key.
So you spent your key point
to use your Flurry of Blows that turn.
To punchy punch, yeah.
Whereas you can spend that key point
to do any of the other stuff on your sheet there.
Okay.
But like, what would a dodge,
like what would it mean
if I were to enact this dodge skill?
The opponent would roll with disadvantage.
Okay.
Or you would have advantage on saving throws
of dexterity or other movie type stuff.
Okay.
Yeah.
But he's gonna hit you once with his fist.
Bring it.
It's gonna be seven bludgeoning damage
as he jumps up and lands down
and connects with one of his fists.
Punch for a punch there.
And then we're back to Vima.
I am going to, once again,
fire, I'm going to cast Conjure Barrage
and then shoot my hand crossbow at this mofo.
Perfect.
So that is a 27.
That's gonna hit.
I get to do my normal damage, which is.
This very like forceful statement that's happening.
So that's six regular damage.
And then they have to take,
oh, you have to do a save.
Sorry, I'm terrible with spells.
Dex saving throw.
24.
It seems all right.
It seems like a pretty good one,
but you still take half damage of my 3d8,
which is 10.
He's looking bad,
but he knows he has to try and protect this amulet
that you guys have come here for.
He's still coming towards you.
It is Victor's turn.
All right.
Victor is just gonna do his couple punches
and see how that goes.
No key point this time around.
So the first one is a 23.
Second one is a 17.
Both will hit.
Okay.
First one.
That's nine.
And second one, eight.
So 17 in total.
Tell me what happens when you kill this Barlgura.
I literally punch him so hard he ceases to exist.
He just blinks.
He just like vanishes.
He poofs.
Yeah, I like that.
So much like when Vima made the other one disappear,
this one disappears as well,
but there's a fine mist.
Don't bring it in.
Behind this one.
Don't bring it in.
It's a different mist.
Thanos snapped his hand and that was it for that guy.
Yeah, a little less ashy, a little more bloody.
Perfect.
Like a pink mist.
Yeah, yeah.
But he is gone.
And you are standing with the blue amulet
that you came for.
I'm gonna go get the amulet and put it on
to see if I feel any better.
Can I investigate the thing for traps first
where the amulet is sitting?
I mean, she's already put it on.
Oh, damn it.
Was there any traps?
Am I dead?
I mean, you're dead.
You're dead.
Super dead.
Yeah, are you super dead?
Ultra dead.
No, you feel the warmth of the amulet
glowing on your,
I don't know if you can feel warmth of glowing.
It doesn't do anything.
So we need the other of the puzzle.
The other half of the stone,
which is in a ring on another plane.
Yeah, so we will have to plane shift again
to the mirror plane.
Everybody join hands.
We gotta hold hands again?
Okay, good.
Here we go.
I go in between Victor and Luma.
Come on, you pharous.
We were gonna be best friends by the end of this.
Guess not.
Now remember, clear your mind, deep breath,
and we've shifted planes again.
Oh, that was quick.
Good job.
Hey, it's kind of dark here.
Yes, considerably darker than the last one.
I thought we were going to the mirror plane.
I hear it's mirrory there.
This doesn't seem like a mirror plane.
Just because it is called the mirror plane
does not mean it is a plane filled with mirrors.
You understand that, right?
You see, in the mirror plane,
things are opposite or reversed.
Directions are reversed.
It's not literally a world just made of mirrors.
No, no, yeah.
It's not a large change room.
It is not.
It is not a dance studio.
Okay, Touche.
It is not.
Off in the distance, you see a crack of light
begin to shine into the darkness.
I start walking towards it.
Yes, let's go investigate.
Okay, sounds good.
Four of you begin to walk towards the crack of light,
and as you get closer, it gets wider.
Vima and Jafarus and Grancis make a constitution saving throw
with disadvantage.
But I rolled a nat 20.
It's gotta be with disadvantage.
Such a doink.
Fine, eight, happy?
Classic doink.
I rolled a two and a three, so.
Didn't matter.
That's a four or a five, and a fail either way.
I'm sickly.
I get it.
It's perfect.
It makes sense.
Grancis got an 18.
As you begin walking towards this light,
you feel like you are being pulled towards it.
The speed at which you are moving increases.
Grancis is able to fight back a little bit,
but Vima and Jafarus are being pulled into the light.
I look at Vima and I say, is this ironic?
As you get closer to the light, you see beyond it,
and you see a horde of demons
scratching and clawing to get their way through this light.
Nope.
Don't fight it.
You've been brought here to help my master, Orcus,
escape from the abyss.
You will power his return.
I beg your, excuse me?
You see.
Yeah, what?
Orcus has been biding his time.
He's been waiting for the right moment to strike.
And with the mortals all concerned about the return
of Tiamat and everything else that's going on up there
that they're very worried about,
we've been plotting his return.
And you are just the beginning.
Go towards the light.
Grancis, get him.
As he finishes that phrase,
you both are sucked into the light,
and this crack begins to fracture higher up
into whatever plane you are in.
Vima and Jafarus are gone.
What fresh hell is this?
Oh, like literally.
It is a fresh hell.
I wish I said it on purpose.
The crack begins to open and claws begin to break free,
tearing open into Orcus's domain deeper in the abyss.
Hey, so you guys weren't really friends, were you then?
Oh no, and it's your turn to join them.
You annoying, annoying man.
Oh boy, no, not happening.
I complain, shift out of here,
and he begins to run in the opposite direction.
Let me see here.
Let me see what my halfling has here for stopping this.
I've got halfling nimbleness.
Are your little legs really gonna take you over there?
You're very fast, probably.
I can move up to 45 feet.
No, that's not so fast.
Less impressive, we scream from joy.
That is faster than Grancis.
Faster than Grancis.
Okay, so you begin to move.
What are you doing as you reach him
as he's running and beginning the verbal components
of his own plane shift spell?
I'm gonna take a page out of the Cobra Kai handbook
because that's what all demons study,
and I'm gonna sweep the leg.
I'm gonna sweep the leg.
With halfling and monk nimbleness, you sweep the leg,
and Grancis goes down,
and the light begins to consume the plane that you are in.
As Grancis hits the ground,
he says the last portion of his spell,
and everything disappears in a white light.
We see demons crawling forth from this crack,
and beyond, much farther away,
we see another crack forming to the material plane.
["Incompetent," by Kavin MacLeod, playing in background.]
Music in today's episode was by Kavin MacLeod
of Incompetent.Filmmusic.io.
All together now.
Russ is really just dropping a lot of, a lot of.
Sorry, I had to sell you out, guys.
A lot of Ways the World's ending,
and also, what the fuck?
Right, I really felt, the entire time,
I felt like they had much more information than me,
and I was like, oh my god,
Russ gave everyone secret information than me.
Carla was coming up with everything on the spot.
Carla was coming all on the fly.
Tom just had to fuck everybody over in the end.
I thought this was what we were all doing.
Yeah.
Did you get real scared for a minute, Russ,
when Tom was like, what character sheet?
Well, yeah, I legitimately had no idea.
Had no idea that there was a character sheet.
The character sheet was fine.
Oh, I see.
You just sent him a secret message.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Secret messages.
You get to kill your friends.
I got a secret Discord DM.
Oh, fun.
Hey, you wanna fuck everybody over?
And Tom was like, yeah.
Okay, you guys ready?
Oh, totally ready.
Cause I can't edit out your,
I can't edit out your Snickers.
So, eat it already.
Geez, Amy.
All right, just gonna turn the mic away from Amy.
Inspired joke.
I like it.
Instead of Amy's face,
I just see a microphone now.
I just see the microphone.
She's not in the podcast right now.
Well, it's just like perfectly framed.
It's like her hair and the headphones
and then the microphone covering her face.
Amy is the microphone.
Yep, exactly.
I'm actually not a real person.
I'm just a microphone.
It's a real ex machina situation
going on here at the Morehouse.
For our patrons,
you can see this part in this video now
up on our Patreon.
Oh, you can?
Yeah, absolutely.
I would have thought
we're starting with this one.
We're starting with this one.
It's the newest.
Oh, this is classic Amy.
This is the robe that we've just mentioned
so many times.
I am instantly like so self-conscious.
The robe is the best thing
and I literally was chanting robe
when I saw it before we started recording.
So, I think people should be delighted
they get to see it.
Because it's so soft and fuzzy and warm
and it is like classic us all playing together
in the same place and I love it.
And yes people,
if you're doing the math,
this robe is over three years old.
Yeah.
There's no expiry date on a cozy robe.
Thank you.
We said it was the new year
and this episode, I mean.
I know, but like a little heads up
in a good night.
See, now we've set the bar.
Cause this isn't the new year.
You set this for Foxing Day.
The next episode comes out in the new year though
and these are all packaged into one video.
Oh.
Do you wanna argue this
or do you want me to get to my narration?
No, here's the thing Amy.
We don't have.
I have no makeup on.
You're wearing your robe.
If we put in any kind of effort
for the next one,
people are gonna be like,
damn, they look great.
Yeah, it's good to set the bar.
Exactly.
It's great.
It's Russ's turn as a favor.
You're welcome.
Dragons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.